Here’s how this bidnezz is going down: We’ll list each character’s gains (+) and losses (–) per eppy, starting with last season’s finale! (Get it? + and – like a pregnancy test?!) No. 1 is at the head of the pack!
BEN
(+): He’s rich! OK, fine, Ben has a lot of other things going for him as well. We’re just too annoyed with him to think of them right now.
(–): Baby daddy? Check. Virgin? Close enough. Cheater? Yep. Selfish? Totes. For realzies, Ben used to be our fave. Back in Season 1, we couldn’t get enough of his nerdy charm. Nowadays, our eyes are aching from rolling them every time he opens his mouth. We haven’t completely lost faith, because Ben was super sweet to Adrian in the season finale. Keep up the good work, buddy.
JACKRanking: 6
(+): Oh, this poor boy. It’s hard to find something good going on up in Jack’s grill. Maybe football camp? We know he loves to get his game on. And he has that amazing bod... that’s always something to be happy about.
(–): Where to begin... First of all, Jack clearly still hearts Grace. He probably has a secret shrine for her hidden behind all those football trophies. Second of all, he told Madison’s dad that he oral sexed her. Why, Jack, why? Now he can’t even see Maddy, let alone indulge in his favorite below the belt activities. Epic fail, Jack.
Ranking: 5
(+): Ash is a total up-and-coming hottie. We have a feeling there are good times ahead. And her ability to relentlessly maintain the same facial expression only makes her more mysterious.
(–): Ash practically begged Ricky to have sex with her (who can blame the girl), and was flat-out rejected. Now he’s dating her sister — awkward! But don’t worry — Ash’s dry wit and sarcasm will get her through the rough times. And it is def rough times! First, her big sis gets preggo, and now her only female friend is knocked up. Thank goodness her other bestie is a dude and has no chance of getting himself preggers (unless he has a womb that we don’t know about).
Ranking: 4
(+): She’s dating a super stud. Enough said.
(–): Amy’s fake ex-hubby and the love of her life is about to become a baby daddy. Bamy (Ben+Amy) were head-over-heels in love with each other, like, five minutes ago. Seriously, he was probs thinking about her while he was knocking up Adrian. Feelings like those don’t just disappear. As Adrian and Ben grow closer this season, we have a feeling Amy might come down with a case of the jellies.
Ranking: 3
(+): Adrian was just given a 50K engagement ring, so no wonder she ended the season smiling. She could pawn that thing and buy, like, three pairs of Louboutins! Or some diapers. Not only did Adrian get some sweet bling, she also got a cute kiss from Ben. Well, she thought it was cute. We thought it was ew.
(–): Adrian is a preggers teenager. So yeah, that’s a huge negative. But a giant belly and stretch marks won’t stop this majorette from owning the school. One of the hardest parts of being preggo is the financial burden, but Ben’s Sausage Empire has that covered. If you’re gonna get knocked up in high school, Ben Boykewich and his cool mil are as good as it gets.
Ranking: 2
(+): Last season, Grace packed her bags and headed off to Med Camp with her hunky bf Grant right behind her. She’s totes about to have the best summer ever, filled with dissecting frogs, making out, and possibly doing it in an exam chair.
(–): We have a sneaky suspicion that Jack still has the hots for Grace. And now that he’s been gateway sexiled from Madison, he’s had all summer to think of ways to win her back. Don’t get too comfy in Grant’s arms Grace, ‘cause Jack is waiting in the wings.
Ranking: 1
(+): Go figure that Ricky’s the man on top. Our imaginary boyfriend has so much to be happy about: a freakishly well-behaved toddler, a hot baby mama who’s ready to pounce him, and hair that defies gravity. Ricky’s going into this season closer to his fam-fam than ever (well, except for his mom ‘cause she’s locked in the clink). What a lucky guy!
(–): Ricky is a straight-up sex addict. Being a one-woman man isn’t exactly his style, so he might go through withdrawal symptoms (making out with pillows and hitting on Amy’s mom, for example). Also his ex-girlfriend is pregnant with his best friend’s baby, so that’s kinda a bummer.
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